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Easter Humor from my friend Angelo

EASTER HUMOR FROM MY FRIEND ANGELO
From the halls of St. Thomas Aquinas and beyond.

1. What do the initials "INRI" stand for above Jesus’ head as He hangs on the cross?

"I'm Nailed Right In!"

2. What did the Roman Centurion say to Jesus after he dropped the cross for the third time on Good Friday?

"Drop that cross one more time and you're out of the Parade!"

3. So Jesus is hanging on the cross and getting near the end of his time here on Earth. The crowds are all gathered at Calvary waiting for the end when, suddenly, Jesus cries out, “Peter.... PETER!”

Peter, Jesus’ favorite apostle, had been on the fringe of the mob, still fearing for his own life. He decides that he must go to the Lord and starts to make his way through the crowd. He’s pushing and shoving and the crowd will have none of it and stops him from getting any closer to Jesus. Peter finally gives up, feeling that he has failed Jesus yet again on this tragic day.

A few minutes go by and Jesus stirs again. He summons all his strength and cries out once more, “Peter...! PETER!!”. His voice trails off.

Trying again to go to Jesus, Peter starts to battle his way through the angry mob, but, as before, he is pushed back and stopped from tending to the Lord.

One last time Jesus raises his head and looks out over the crowd. He shouts out, “Peter...! PETER!!

Not to be stopped this time, Peter hurls himself into the crowd. There is kicking and hitting and pushing but Peter is not going to be denied this time! He fights his way through the angry crowd and finally gets to the foot of the cross.

”I am here, Lord. What is it that Your humble servant can do for You in this hour of Your need?”

”Peter?”

”Yes, Lord. I am here.”

”Peter....”

”Yes, Lord?”

”Peter, did you know that I can see your house from here?”

4. Three Blondes just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..."

"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The second blonde replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the third blonde and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The third blonde smiles and looks St. Peter in the eye.

"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the Last Supper and He was later betrayed and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took Him to be crucified and was stabbed in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and He was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave that was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."

5. Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So, Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. However, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the world. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past hours.

Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!"

You'll love the punch line...)

God shrugged and said,

"Jesus Saves"..

6. A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

7. A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."


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